Everyone knows me to be the happy one. The weird, annoying but happy one. And that is what I always think of myself. I always shrug away the depressing and sad vibes because I always thought that I just made up all those emotions. So what I do, I watch funny videos, blast my headphones with party music, read, write or anything to shoo away those. And the result? All the emotions which were put on the side had piled into something big. Something very heavy that I don;t know if I can still do it.
I think something is wrong with me.
That is what I am thinking these past few days now. I don’t know why. I feel so incomplete like something is missing on my life and it is causing me to function slowly. I don’t know. I want to look for answers.
I am not the open type of girl. Yes, I do say what I wanted to say without pausing or thinking and tries to still stood up to what I said even though I am on the wrong track but opening my heart to other people is my biggest fear.
I am afraid to be judged.
I am afraid to hear the bad truth, hard and hurting things about me.
I am afraid that these people will know what I am most afraid of, what I am sad of and what I am crying of.
I am afraid that they will tell how I am weak and I am just acting things up.
I am so afraid to be judged.
One night, I came at the house around 11 from the school, and I was so tired and sleepy. I reached out to my phone and started to compose a text that I just arrived at the house. But then, I realized, I don’t have anyone who cares about me. Well, yes, I got Donna and Jeraldin and my fam and Irish and Niño but they have their own lives. And I feel like they will just ignore me if I will text them these crappy thoughts of mine. They do, as well as me, have lives to live and own problems to deal with and I feel like whenever I open up to them, they will shrug the thing away and will just tell me to ‘grow up’, ”get your shit together’ and ‘life is short’. Things like that.
I don’t ask any help when I was little. I am already contented on what I have and I just receive things given to me with no complains and do my thing on my own. It’s not like I don’t have parents. Maybe they just thing that I am independent enough to do it. I don’t have somebody whom I shared and open up my feelings and emotions with. And I feel like so full that I want to burst and just die to escape everything I’ve been with, everything I am up to. But no. I just can’t.
I need someone whom I can share my heartaches with. Someone who will say to me that “It’s okay, I’m here. Tell me everything.” Someone who is so kind enough to just hear things out, never judge, understands me and is happy because he knows me.
I wish I could just cure myself. I wish I could say, “it’s okay self, Everything will be okay.” I wish I could say to myself, “you are loved, don’t worry.” But someone isn’t there to know what I feel inside.
I guess I have to settle with these. I guess I have to continue lying to myself that I am strong and I can do everything and deal with anything.
Kaya nako ni. Ako pa strong ko. 😢😔☹️